Why Google Might Be Going to $0
Archive | March, 2012
Why it is better to live in the south – Columns – livemint.com
30 MarAKAR FUCKING PATEL wrote (insulted) every Indian in this article..
DO READ THIS SHIT:
Why it is better to live in the south
via Why it is better to live in the south – Columns – livemint.com.
Golf Dilemma
26 MarNo one ever promised all decisions would be easy!
What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honor and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin.
Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway. Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: “Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don’t find it in time, I’ll concede the match.”
You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: “I found it!”. The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.
Now here is the ethical dilemma:
Do you pull the cheating bastard’s ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?
Some Jokes =)) (18+ ONLY)
26 MarA FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, ‘You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we’re on the fire truck ready to go.
‘From now on when I say BELL 1’ I want you to strip naked.When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed.And when I say BELL 3 We are going to make love all night.
‘The next night he came home from work and yelled’ BELL 1!’ The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled ‘BELL 2!’, the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled ‘BELL 3!’, they began making love.After a few minutes the wife yelled ‘BELL 4!’
‘What the hell is BELL 4?’ asked the husband?
‘ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,’ she replied ‘YOU’RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.’
====
Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she’s very good at them.
Mum said, “You should say NO – they only want to look at your panties”.
Susie said, “I know they do, that’s why I hide them in my bag”.
=====
Michael, Francis and Ubaldo are standing at the Gates of Heaven being interviewed by St. Peter.
“Ok you, Michael, how many times did you cheat on your wife??”
“Let me be honest Peter. I’ve been seeing at least two or three different women a year all my married life”.
“Ok, your car in heaven is that Hyundai i10 there. Goodbye.”
St. Peter turns to Francis, “How many times did you cheat on your wife??”
Francis replies, “I must admit that in fifteen years of marriage I did cheat on my wife twice.”
St. Peter says, “OK, your car in heaven is that Honda Civic. Here’s the keys. Get going!”
He then looks at Ubaldo, “And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife??”
Ubaldo lifts his head high and replies, “I am proud to say that in over twenty years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife. In fact, my beloved has been dead for two years now and I remained celibate the whole time!”
St Peter replies, “Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that BMW Z4-M Roadster convertible. Goodbye!”
Michael and Francis have driven off and are in a car park nearby waiting for their friend. Ubaldo turns up in his BMW but he is crying his heart out.
Michael asks, “Arrre! What’s the matter with you? We should be crying. We’re stuck with these cheaper models and you got an expensive BMW!”
Between sobs Ubaldo explains, *“I just saw my wife driving a Nano” *
====
A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill. Just as he was starting down the equally steep other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center of the road, making wild and passionate love.
In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. He realized that they were not going to stop or get out of his way, so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.
Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of the truck.
He looked down at the two, still on the road, and yelled, “What the hell’s the matter with you two? Didn’t you hear me blowing the horn? You could have
been killed!”
Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said, “Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes”
====
An old Parsee is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed: “Dikraa, aii ley, for you, my chrome-plated 0.38 revolver”.
“But Bawaji, I really dont like guns. How about you leaving me tamaaru gold Rolex watch instead “?
“Chutia, shut-up and listen. Someday you have to run maaru business.
Someday you gonna come home and maybe find your fataakri bairi in bed with some other bhonsrino bhadvo.
Chutmarina, what will you do then?
Point your Rolex watch at him and say “Time’s up”???
Critics don’t need to tell me when to retire: Sachin Tendulkar
23 Mar“My critics haven’t taught me my cricket” ~ Sachin Tendulkar : સચિન તેન્ડુલકરે ક્યારે રીટાયર્ડ થવું જોઈએ અને ક્યારે નહિ ની સડેલી ચર્ચા કર્યા કરતા લોકો માટે આ લેખ સાદર..
Click below to read the full interview :
“My critics haven’t taught me my cricket,” Sachin Tendulkar
via Critics don't need to tell me when to retire: Sachin Tendulkar – The Times of India.
Facebook : This day awaits us all…
17 Mar
The 76-year-old woman walked down the hallway of Clearview Addictions Clinic, searching for the right department. She passed signs for the ‘Heroin Addiction Department (HAD)’, the ‘Smoking Addiction Department (SAD)’ and the ‘Bingo Addiction Department (BAD)’. Then she spotted the department she was looking for: ‘Facebook Addiction Department (FAD)’.
It was the busiest department in the clinic, with about three dozen people filling the waiting room, most of them staring blankly into their Blackberries and i-Phones. A middle-aged man with unkempt hair was pacing the room, muttering, “I need to milk my cows. I need to milk my cows.”
A twenty-something man was prone on the floor, his face buried in his hands, while a curly-haired woman comforted him, “Don’t worry. It’ll be all right.”
“I just don’t understand it. I thought my update was LOL-worthy, but none of my friends even clicked the ‘like’ button.”
“How long has it been?”
“Almost five minutes. That’s like five months in the real world.”
The 76-year-old woman waited until her name was called, then followed the receptionist into the office of Alfred Zulu, Facebook Addiction Counselor.
“Please have a seat, Edna,” he said with a warm smile. “And tell me how it all started.”
“Well, it’s all my grandson’s fault. He sent me an invitation to join Facebook. I had never heard of Facebook before, but I thought it was something for me, because I usually have my face in a book.”
“How soon were you hooked?”
“Faster than you can say ‘create a profile.’ I found myself on Facebook at least eight times each day — and more times at night. Sometimes I’d wake up in the middle of the night to check it, just in case there was an update from one of my new friends in India . My husband didn’t like that. He said that friendship is a precious thing and should never be outsourced.”
“What do you like most about Facebook?”
“It makes me feel like I have a life. In the real world, I have only five or six friends, but on Facebook, I have 674. I’m even friends with Juan Carlos Montoya.”
“Who’s he?”
“I don’t know, but he’s got 4,000 friends, so he must be famous.”
“Facebook has helped you make some connections, I see.”
“Oh yes. I’ve even connected with some of the gals from high school — I still call them ‘gals.’ I hadn’t heard from some of them in ages, so it was exciting to look at their profiles and figure out who’s retired, who’s still working, and who’s had some work done. I love browsing their photos and reading their updates. I know where they’ve been on vacation, which movies they’ve watched, and whether they hang their toilet paper over or under. I’ve also been playing a game with some of them.”
“Let me guess. Farmville?”
“No, Mafia Wars. I’m a Hitman. No one messes with Edna.”
“Wouldn’t you rather meet some of your friends in person?”
“No, not really. It’s so much easier on Facebook. We don’t need to gussy ourselves up. We don’t need to take baths or wear perfume or use mouthwash. That’s the best thing about Facebook — you can’t smell anyone. Everyone is attractive, because everyone has picked a good profile pic. One of the gals is using a profile pic that was taken, I’m pretty certain, during the Eisenhower Administration. ”
“What pic are you using?”
“Well, I spent five hours searching for a profile pic, but couldn’t find one I really liked. So I decided to visit the local beauty salon.”
“To make yourself look prettier?”
“No, to take a pic of one of the young ladies there. That’s what I’m using.”
“Didn’t your friends notice that you look different?”
“Some of them did, but I just told them I’ve been doing lots of yoga.”
“When did you realize that your Facebooking might be a problem?”
“I realized it last Sunday night, when I was on Facebook and saw a message on my wall from my husband: ‘I moved out of the house five days ago. Just thought you should know.'”
“What did you do?”
“What else? I unfriended him of course!”
Six Classic Affairs!!
15 MarThe 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” his wife demanded.
“I can’t lie to you,” he replied, “I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.”
“You lying bastard!
You’ve been playing golf!”
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, “There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?”
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, “! Not this time!”
The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
“I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,” the mortician commented, “I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must! be saved for posterity.”
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
“I have to show you something you won’t believe,” he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
“My God!” the wife exclaimed, “Schwartz is dead?!?!”
The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.”
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
“Don’t move until I tell you,” she said. “Pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh it’s a statue.” she replied. “The Smith’s bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.”
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
“Here,” he said to the statue, “have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith’s and nobody offered me a damned thing.”
The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
“Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.”
“One Cent?” the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, “How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?”
“A nickel,” the barman replied.
“A nickel?” exclaimed the man. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The bartender replied, “Upstairs, with my wife.”
The man asked, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
The bartender replied,
“The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”
The 6th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, “I have something I must confess.”
“There’s no need to,” his wife replied.
“No,” he insisted, “I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!”
“I know, I know,” she replied. “Now just rest and let the poison work.”
Maulik Bhatt 